On studying and good grades

Another busy few weeks just flew by. Some things happened, probably the most significant of which was my boy Gareth smashing his right elbow against the bedframe when he tripped over the mattress on the floor, resulting in a horrible fracture that required surgery to fix. Now his right arm is in a cast, with a few steel wires inside holding the pieces together. He'll need another minor operation to remove the wires in a few months, and he'll have his cast removed in 10 days or so, but thank God the worst is over. Hopefully there'll be no long term issues with his elbow's growth. We're optimistic about that. Not so much about him not doing this again.

But today I want to just talk about something else. Recently, the PSLE results came out, and although the overall pass rate in the country is apparently the highest it has been, it is a sensitive period because of a recent suicide case involving an 11-year-old, thought to be because of high expectations put upon him on his studies. So it seems there are a lot of messages going out that poor grades are not the end of the world, that you are not defined by your results, etc. Anyone who dares to show unhappiness with his or her child receiving poor grades is subject to the righteous wrath of social media and its anonymous legion of netizens. Recently, a parent was heavily criticized for being upset with her son not getting the PSLE score to her expectation, and therefore she was not going to give him a Nintendo set. This drew vitriol and criticism on the internet, with some offering to get the poor child a Nintendo. The mother came out to clarify some points subsequently, which were not reported correctly, such as the score she had expected, and the fact that her son already had a Nintendo, and she had taken it away because he had not kept to the time limit set by her, and because he was perceived to not have put in his best effort in the exam, he was not getting it back.

Saw on my Facebook newsfeed quite a number of videos where people who did not do well in their studies were shown to be successful and happy in life. There would be taglines at the end like "You don't have to be a doctor to be happy/successful".

All these have made me want to say something about the issue. Speaking from a parent's point of view, I think the important point has been missed. I don't think it's right to tell a child, "It's okay if you don't do well in your studies, see all these successful people? They didn't do well when they were young too, and look where they are now." What I mean is, that should not be the only message, which is what all the videos I see seem to be saying. For me, the most important thing has always been the attitude towards doing something that is important for the stage in their lives. For my school-going children, that would be their studies, but it also applies to other things that they do. They must have the right attitude to work hard and persevere even if they don't feel like it. It's just a lot more prominent in their studies, because that takes up the most time in their lives.

I'm not going to tell Chloe at the start, "Hey, it's okay if you don't do well, grades are not everything, you don't need them to be successful." You know why? Because that statement does not say what is required to be successful. For me, that would be the right attitude, the right values, to be willing to work hard and honest for something, and to endure to the end. I would tell her to work hard in her studies, to do her very best. I would tell her that I would expect her not to slack off in her studies, and to put in her best effort. But I also always tell her, no matter what, I will always love her, whether she worked hard and did badly, or even if she was lazy and did badly, nothing would change my love for her, I would always be here for her. But there will be a difference in how I will react between the above 2 scenarios. If she has shown that she has put in the best she can, and does her work properly and seriously, even if she scored below expectations, I will still be okay with that, and won't be harsh to her. But, if she just refuses to take her work seriously, and just finishes her homework quickly so that she can play, and her grades reflect that, I will of course not just hug her and say, "It's okay, grades are not everything, now go and play." I will let it be known to her that her effort was not satisfactory and she had better buck up and show a better attitude in her studies. Of course, as said before, I will always make sure she knows my love for her is not dependent on her grades or even her attitude and behaviour.

The thing is, if not pushed, most children are not going to naturally work hard in their studies. It takes effort to learn, and the amount of stuff they have to learn is a lot, that's true. The pressure is high, but whether the education system is right or not is another argument for another day. What I'm trying to say is, no matter the pressure, my children must show me they are willing to work hard in their schoolwork, because that's a very good way to teach them the values of dilligence and perseverence, which are vital traits to succeeding in anything they may embark on in the future. If it is such that they do not have the aptitude to score excellent grades, so be it. Truly, I will not begrudge them, but will be happy that they have been equipped with the skills and character for them to go through life.

Of course, for those with an exceptional skill, for example in a certain sport, or in art, or whatever, by all means pursue that, but the same principle applies right? You would want them to have the right attitude in learning that certain skill, or honing their talents in a certain area. Nobody is going to succeed on raw talent alone. It takes a lot, a lot of hard work to reach the pinnacle, and really, if you don't put in hard work, but still reach a certain level because of raw talent, it is really still a waste of the talent given to you. And passion for something can only go so far. At some point, when you work really hard in something, it's going to be tedious and painful, and the temptation to give up will be there.

It is a competitive society out there, and I want to make sure my children develop the right attitude and character to be able to compete with others. If they don't have what it takes to achieve traditional academic success, no matter. As long as they have the right mentality, whatever they undertake, they will not go far wrong.

In the few success stories highlighted in the videos I mentioned, two important points were completely left out. One, those who succeeded in life put in a lot of effort to achieve the success they achieved, albeit not in academic studies, but in their specific areas, such as art, literature, entrepreneurship, etc. Two, for every person who did not do well in their studies early on and went on to achieve success, there are probably many, many, who fell away, and did not reach their full potential, because they chose not to develop the right attitude.

For me, studying for exams and getting good grades is not the most important thing. It is being willing to work hard to get the good grades. Studying for exams is a means for me to train the right attitudes and character in my children at this stage in their lives. I make it a point to always remind myself of that.