"Coping" with 4 children

Many times, when my family goes out, we get "the look" a lot. Usually not in a bad way, just in amazement that we have so many children. Oftentimes, a kind auntie will smile at us and say, "Wah, very good, you all helping Singapore ah!", or some uncle will tell us, "You all have so many children, very good! Uncle also wanted so many children last time, but now regret too late already!" Me and my wife, we usually return their encouraging words with a kind (tired) smile, and continue restraining our struggling kids.

Our friends would also voice their admiration from time to time, saying they cannot fathom how we're coping with 4 kids and no domestic helper(my mother-in-law does stay with us during the weekdays, so it's not completely no help), and that we are just awesome!

This always makes me feel a bit guilty, because really, what's the definition of "coping"? Just the fact that we have 4 kids and all of us are still alive, does that constitute coping? (actually, that in itself takes a lot of effort)

My point is, most people don't know the struggles we go through as a family. As obvious as it may sound, having 4 kids(5 in the near future, *gulp*) is really not easy, and it's not something others can understand unless they have so many kids themselves. And while my wife and I are thankful for so many children, and we are generally happy together, I honestly don't know if we are "coping". There are days when it just seems too overwhelming. It often feels like we are in a room with the water level rising, and we are on tip toe, our heads arched upwards and the water just swirling around our nostrils. A comedian I saw on youtube who has 4 kids described the experience thus: imagine you are drowning, and then someone passes you a baby.

Just take one aspect in our lives: the cleanliness(or lack thereof) of our home. I present to you these unadulterated pictures of our home, taken on a whim, without any prior setup:

Our house is never tidy these days. There'll always be toys, pieces of clothing, food even, on our floor, and practically everywhere. I used to get upset, and tried to pick up all the stuff, and my wife would threaten to throw away any toy found carelessly strewn about. These days we just walk past the clutter, swerving with expert footwork to avoid every piece of debris.

And that's just the most superficial, trivial aspect of our family life. We worry about our children's future. Are they going to do well in their studies? Will they be able to choose what they want to do? Will they marry good husbands and wives? Will all my children support Spurs?

I suppose every family is different, because everyone is different. Every child is different. But I daresay for every family as big as ours, there must be considerable effort put into maintaining and building the bonds and relationships in the family, and there must be days when it will feel like we are just not "coping". But if truth be told, we love having a big family, and sometimes when we sit back, we see all the little "moments" in our family, the kids interacting with one another, the funny things that happen, even the not-so-funny ones, we wouldn't have it any other way.

When I first found out that my wife was pregnant with our 5th child, I was truly stunned, and it took me awhile to accept it, because just when I thought the worst was over, with our 4th child finally starting to walk and talk, we were going to have to do it all over again. I was affected by it. But here's a secret: there was a thrill that ran through me, a shiver of joy that shot down my spine, as I came to the realization that there was going to be another beautiful child given to us, and I tingled at the endless possibilities that this new child of ours could bring to our family and our world.

So yes, there are struggles. Yes, some days it feels impossible. But on reflection, I would say we are coping, no, we are more than coping. We are reveling in this big, crazy party that we are having. And there is room for one more guest. So bring it on!

Third

Clarissa, my third child, and second daughter, is a real character. I think the nickname "chilli padi", while quite cliched, is probably the best one to describe her. She is a ferocious creature, and possesses more gumption than her age betrays. In front of the camera, she always puts on her best appearance, and poses for every shot. In this picture,

I was trying to get a candid shot of her eating her kueh, and she was a little sullen at the time, but the moment she caught me holding my phone in front of her, she at once smiled straight into the camera - except she was looking at the wrong end of the phone, as she did not know where the camera on the phone was exactly. Always looking the best for the camera. And always looking for a good picture. She actively asked me to take a picture of her with these chocolate cows,

just because they were pretty and cute, and i suppose she thought were worthy enough to be taken with her in the same picture.

When the camera is not on her, on the other hand, she lets loose her fierce temper without reserve, and her siblings, in particular Gareth, are often on the receiving end of her fiery wrath. She insists on getting her way all the time, and throws screaming fits when she doesn't.

I must say, though, she is unbelievably perceptive, and has such a sharp and quick-thinking mind, she often analyses the situation quickly and chooses the best available option. As a result, she gets her way out of potentially unfavourable situations more often than her siblings, in particular Gareth.

She is extremely eager to learn new things as well. Every class that we offer her, be it ballet, piano, guitar, she always grabs hungrily, and is so focused on learning at every lesson. I almost feel guilty for not being able to find the time to squeeze in more for her.

Makes it all the more important that she has the right values. She's undergoing the phase now where she's being a bit rebellious, purposely doing what she is told not to do, and is testing her boundaries by seeing how far she can go without being punished. We're going to have to manage this carefully, and it's been a challenge, but the hope of the potential she can go on to reach maintains our motivation to find the right balance.